CAN OUR COMMUNICATION HEAL US?

When we are unable to handle the intensity level of unpleasant emotional tones we are primed for a reaction spark that either will end in an implosion or explosion. 

We can be taught through examples and unknowingly practice years of shutting off our feelings, avoiding difficult situations, conversations and emotions to mute the memories, sensations, etc. “Feeling” is not pleasant when it comes at you like a rushing waterfall.

Read my thoughts on attachment wounds

The daily practice of mindfulness allows us to be aware of the cascade of emotions we might experience. This awareness then supports our ability to consciously decide how we want to participate moving forward. We have freed up space in our minds to think more about the message that the emotion is delivering.

We give ourselves permission to feel all of our emotions but through discernment are able to choose how we want to respond and what to do with them. 

We can feel triggered but are still able to explore the interplay between the swells of our reactive emotions and thoughts. Sifting through those layers we become equipped to discover what is at the core; robbing from our nourishment of peace.  We know when we feel something, it matters. 

The perspective of radical responsibility means that you remove the narrative of fault from someone else and reclaim your autonomy and agency. 

You are then an advocate for your feelings using them as a barometer of your needs, not a weakness that needs to be protected. You can communicate either to yourself or in the situation what desire of your heart is not being met, what part of an old wound might ache, what boundary you need to set and speak.

For example, “I feel abandoned.”, “You are being cold and distant.” “I feel attacked in this discussion.” doesn’t provide essential information about how I actually feel. It conveys the other party’s actions, not my needs. 

What I am longing for is a connection, intimacy, space to push pause and process.

Mindfulness in our communication starts with:

(1) leading with presence. We do this with a breath & grounding our bodies - this can be done with feeling the sensations around our feet -

(2) Coming from genuine curiosity and care using the filter of the 7 mindful attributes

(3) Focus on what matters. Begin the (difficult) conversation with an observation statement not a rumination on the past details. Think about what really matters to you in this conversation, resolution, connection, etc?

“I noticed the dishes were left in the sink last night.”

Then we listen with curiosity, not the expert, for their response. Chances are high that you are speaking to someone who isn’t practicing mindfulness and they retort with,

“You know that Tuesdays are my busy day and you never offer to help me.” 

This is an opportunity to listen through the demand and hear a request… they are feeling overwhelmed and need help. 

The next step is to repeat back what you heard, “So, what I understand from you is you’d like to have some teamwork for the dishes on Tuesdays?”

They will either agree and you can move forward, or in a more complicated situation than this simple example allows for they may change their response up. This change usually comes from when they hear their words back they realize that is not what they intended. So you may need a few rounds of speaking, repeating, and listening before you get to growth. 

Read my thoughts on the Seven Desires of the Heart

There are going to be conversations that are too soon for your ability to be able to hear behind the triggering responses. For this, you have the “Pause” and “Do Over” mindful techniques. 

Becoming mindful doesn’t mean that you do it perfectly or that those unpleasant feelings cease to exist. You will still feel the somatic response in your body rising. It is your body’s smoke alarm, “hey, time to pause. There is something important to look at here.”

By pushing pause, you say, “This is important to me, but I need a minute to process. Can we push pause and come back to it later?”

Now you can go and mindfully work through that interplay of your thoughts and emotions. Discovering what is at the core for you to address and heal from. Is it an unmet desire of your heart, an attachment wound, the volume of an old narrative turned up, a boundary crossed or needed? 

After that discovery, you can go back for your “Do-over”. - “Whew, I am ready to circle back to that conversation if you are.”

If you have gone through all of this and are receiving a “no”, book your free 30-minute Wayfinding Call and let’s unpack what to do next.