SHOULD I BE SAYING “YES” OR “NO”?

October kicks off relationship month! This whole month we are going to get into how to be in a relationship, with yourself, with friends, kids, partners, co-workers… all of it. Today, I am kicking off with the keystone of relationship patterns, and boundaries. 

STOP! BOUNDARY! - Wait, What Are These Really?

Boundaries are a conversation inundated in our mainstream media. “You don’t have them, you have to get them! Oh, love knows no boundaries, Gift your absence to those who don’t respect your boundaries, Boundaries fence you in while keeping others out, You get what you tolerate”… etcetera, etcetera... 

In a society that is always on, it pushes us into a scarcity mindset. Like, “I need to rush out and buy all the boundaries because everyone else seems to have them and they are selling out almost as fast as toilet paper did during COVID quarantine,”. 

But I’d like to invite you for a moment to consider that our life story is crafted from everything that we are saying “yes” and “no” to. Whether you are aware of what you have been saying yes or no to or not, the whole time you have been alive you have been establishing your boundaries.

This train of thought moves the question from, “Do you have boundaries?” to “Are the boundaries you have established still working for you?”

If you are like me, you might be wondering what your boundaries are, and if you don’t know what they are, how on earth are you going to establish or rather reestablish them?

I am a coach who helps people find their way; so, I love the symbolism of a compass. Imagine a compass in your hand, but instead of the traditional cardinal directions for the needle to point to (N, E, W, S), this compass only has the words “YES” or “NO”.

If you feel like you can’t clearly see your compass, that is probably because you have spent the majority of time ignoring what truly is a “yes” or “no” for you. 

HOW WE CRAFT BOUNDARIES

I love Dr. LePera’s, another Nicole, who takes on a beginner’s guide to creating boundaries. She mentions the importance of taking time to think about who & how you want to be, taking radical responsibility for the choices that you have made to create the ‘you’ that exists by examining how others treat you and the role you play. 

We know what to take responsibility for when we have sat with ourselves in focused meditation. 

Take time to become clear on what you want to be and what things are stealing from that intention. This is done through an alignment practice. I wrote about the steps to implementing an alignment practice in the third part of my Zine, Change My Mind.

Once you get the hang of that (because it’s a continued practice) your compass will become more clear with when to say “yes” and “no” to what you really really want. This sets the pace for living a more stress-reduced life.

You noticed I wrote stress-reduced and not stress-free...

THE TROUBLE WITH BOUNDARIES

That’s the rub. When we earn a ticket to this conscious existence, the price we pay is that no one is exempt from the chaos that crisis and pain can cause. 

But here is the good news, you get to decide how it affects you and your life. 

You do. If at this moment you’re having a hard time believing me, that’s because you need to take a hard responsible look at your current boundaries. Your boundaries need to change because they aren’t aligning with your true self. 

And yet, there is good news in this too. 

If you are feeling stressed that means your compass, though clouded, is working. It provides you with information that you need to change. Our emotions are indicators to let us know when we need to pay attention. 

Though it can feel stressful to go through this process, it is a worthwhile endeavor. Because that stress won’t last very long. Think of it as “sweat equity”, you have to do a little work to make that money pit of a dwelling look like a Taj Mahal.  

When those unpleasant feelings rise to the surface, that’s your cue to take stock of your internal situation. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Where are you feeling it? 

2. What word would you call it? 

3. Why do you think it is showing up? 

   • These feelings and these questions might make you feel like a storm is raging inside of you. Now is a great time to take a minute to just breathe. 

     1. Deep in through your nose for 4 counts. Hold for 4 counts. Release through your mouth for 8 counts. Repeat as often as you need until you feel more settled to keep going. 

4. What can you say to yourself to give yourself peace? 

5. What can you do right now about it?

You Can’t Pour New Wine Into An Old WineSkin.

Sarri Gilman, LMFT has done some brilliant work with teaching boundaries. She emphasizes preparing for the work that comes with maintaining boundaries. Especially when it comes to other people. When you set and state your boundaries it is going to release big feelings in other people. 

The key step to maintaining your new boundaries is becoming able to weather the storm of other people’s emotions in your life. 

Everyone who is used to you being a certain way, following the old agreement between you guys. They are going to feel the need to push back. And why not, you have just changed the rules of engagement. 

It’s a tricky gap period. 

They will test to see if you really meant what you said, or if it was untrue. Stay the course. This is the part where you are teaching them how you now want to be treated. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you slide back into old patterns, which at the moment will feel easier to do, it just means that it is going to take more time to reestablish this new way of showing up in life. 

Trust that the chaos will settle. 

If, and only if, you stay committed to maintaining your boundaries, one of two things will happen, either these tumultuous relationships in change will adjust and become healthier, or you will begin to see why and for whom you need these boundaries. 

When these moments of dealing with other people’s big feelings come against my boundaries, I practice two things. First, I remind myself it’s on them not me. I give them space to hash out their own feelings while I do nothing. Sometimes that space looks like waiting and sometimes it is my cue to have some distance. Second, I turn my thoughts to gratitude. Gratitude that I listened and honored my boundaries. Gratitude for a reminder that my boundaries are there to protect me and my highest self. 

Ready to discover your new boundaries? Send me a message and let’s start working together.