WHAT ARE ATTACHEMENT TRAUMAS?

My next three blogs are about relationship Attachment Theory and the trauma associated. I am doing it in a three-part series. First, we will get into what they are, then we will talk about how to heal yourself. Finally, we will discuss how to begin designing a new culture of a healthy relationship with yourself and for yourself.

Why & What Hurts

While being raised from the time you are in the womb, you are forming some type of attachment; healthy or not. 

Attachment wounds are what we are left with when our experiences with people have enough continued patterns, they reinforce a narrative in our minds. This information becomes ingrained in what our hearts need and who to trust or not. 

The experiences outside our caregivers can heal or deepen old wounds, even form new wounds.

We can be raised secure, happy, and healthy; ready to face the world. Then we enter preteens and our friends, crushes, and other adults in our lives bring new interactions that will either confirm or change the way we form new attachments. 

These attachment wounds can be placed into general categories, depending on which researcher you are reading, and which stage of life we are discussing, they will have various titles but similar descriptions.

Also, all humans are dynamic, and life is rarely lived in black and white but the gray. Most clients of mine find that one description isn’t sufficient. I, myself, can identify with all of these attachment wounds. So, while reading the descriptions below if you find that you are “kind of some” and “kind of another”, just know you are not in the minority. 

The Descriptions

Secure attachment: this is a person who is generally supportive, available, open, and shame-resilient. 

Avoidant attachment as a child can become Dismissive-Avoidant as an adult: this is a person who is typically highly independent, emotionally distant, overwhelmed when relied on heavily, and can seem to appear withdrawn.

Ambivalent/Resistant as a child can become Preoccupied/Fearful-Avoidant &/or Anxious-Avoidant: Fearful and Anxious attachments share many similarities; they usually have had adults who are infrequent in their emotional support. FA’s share this, as well as, suffer dysfunction and abuse from caregivers. Usually, they don’t trust naturally, feeling as if betrayal is always on the horizon, over-analytical of other’s expressions & body language. By contrast, AAs usually stem from absenteeism rather than abuse or dysfunction from caregivers, they experience strong fears of rejection and abandonment, and are very oriented to people-pleasing and self-sacrificing.  

There is another category of attachment known as Disorganized Attachment as a child which can become Reactive Attachment Disorder. I am not going to spend time writing about this one in these blogs because it is a very serious wound that will need extensive and exhaustive therapy. 

Knowing curiosity will brew, I’ll give a brief, simplified explanation of what it is. 

This is typically a child who has been abused and neglected deeply. They respond to attempts to connect with distrust and defensiveness in order to protect themselves from harm. 

Without the needed therapy and support they typically are unable to see the value in themselves or others. They are usually unable to regulate their emotions. As an adult, this can lead to RAD, dysfunctional relationships, explosive anger, inability to maintain relationships, jobs, and housing; and feeling confused as to why this keeps happening to them. If this is you (or someone you know), find a therapist ASAP! You can find healing with all-encompassing support.    

OK, Now I Have Questions!

A lot of people who find out that they have wounds usually ask me one of two questions. 

“Is that it, am I this forever?” And “Who should I look for/avoid in a partner?”

Take heart my Wayfinders! All of these wounds can be healed, move towards Secure attachment, and better yet, learned from. We will get into the healing of wounds in the next blog. 

What you decide is right for you in a partner is all that matters. Hopefully, you are choosing someone who is willing to learn and grow. Because we all have wounds, some minor some major, we have things to work on. Two different types of attachments can be in a relationship with one another as long as there is acceptance and understanding with vulnerability and growth. We will get into cultivating relationships in the third part of this series.

If you are interested in discovering your own attachment style, having a list of actionable steps, specific growth activities, and even more questions to ask that help dig deeper into a sense of self and others, click here to purchase my Zine, Unveiling Attachment Patterns. 

What do you want to start working on? Sign up for a transformative Encounters Package here.