LET THE HEALING BEGIN

This is the second blog of my three-part series about relationship Attachment Theory and the trauma associated.

How To Thrive

We first spoke about identifying our attachment traumas. In this blog, I want to address working with your wounds and starting a healing process. Regardless of your attachment wounds, inner work is required first and foremost. 

When you are going about your day and events happen that activate unpleasant feelings within, use that as your “smoke alarm” indicator to do some work. 

First, we will greet that emotion. Ask yourself where you are feeling it, then place your hand there if you can. That’s not just some hokey advice, touch brings a connection from our “hurt” (our impulsive/reactive/reptilian brain) to our understanding (cognitive/higher-level reasoning brain). Now ask yourself what just happened that set off your alarm and why. 

That feeling’s “WHY” might fall into one of three categories: 

• A need for a boundary check

• Old mindset narrative

• Communicate a heart's desire with someone.

Spend a few seconds in gratitude for your body talking to you, letting you know when you need attention. Do a cleansing breath cycle at least three times. (Breathe deep in through your nose for a count of four, then hold for four, release slowly through the mouth for a count of eight = one cycle.) Then follow through with questions and actions according to what category you find yourself in. 

Is it a boundary check? Do you need to honor, establish, or communicate with one? 

Is it an old mindset narrative? Take a minute to gently rephrase it in your mind to yourself.

Do you need to communicate a heart’s desire with someone? If this is a trustworthy person, with an open heart, approach that person and let them know your needs. 

If it is not a trustworthy person, you can communicate that desire to yourself. Just recognizing what you need is empowering. 

Working With Your Wounds

Dismissive-Avoidant

The road to security comes from being committed and motivating yourself to find the fulfillment and the closeness that you desire. This will take effort because you might feel unmotivated living a long time with emptiness and emotional disconnection. The thought of putting in work (again) with others might feel fruitless.  

Motivating yourself to do something that feels counterintuitive is going to require you to work with your mindset narratives (read my blog, Manipulating Motivation) and develop intrinsic rewards (read my blog, Staying Motivated).  

You will need to build trust in others. Your emotional bank is scarce. It is going to feel like a big risk to invest in others. But the key to working through your wound is to take stock of those in your life that you have witnessed having healthy interactions, then take a calculated risk in bonding with them. 

First take some time to sit in a quiet, uninterrupted space. Think through your heart's desires. When we can clearly identify our desires it makes it easier to see the reasons that our alarm is going off, as well as, what unmet needs in others might be activated. Then make a list of those relationships in your life that you have witnessed having healthy attachments; friends, family, and co-workers. 

Creating new healthy relationships and surrounding yourself with people who have healthy relationships gives you a reference point for how to model secure attachments. 

Now with one to three people on this list, spend time with them. Take some time to listen and focus on their needs, desires, and emotions. Let them know how you struggle and that you’d like to grow in your healing with their help. You are going to need to get comfortable with direct and concise communication. The support you will experience from that will help you move forward in your healing. 

When you are able to give away that small reserve you had in your emotional bank to these trustworthy relationships, they will reciprocate. 

This is going to be one of the most difficult steps for you and I do not write it lightly. But trust my process. You will see that your actions with these trusted few will triple your small reserve in your emotional accounts. These repeated experiences reinforce a “new norm” and the way you relate to everyone around you; you become like what you are surrounded by.

Fearful/Anxious 

There are two avenues to start healing these types of attachment wounds; mindfulness, and our senses. Mindfulness, drawing attention to the present, can aid in introducing new adaptive information into our brains. Using our senses to process and deepen positive experiences for our brain to categorize and overwrite the old ones.

You will need to use mindfulness strategies to help you stay in the moment and experience the connection that is occurring, instead of worrying about the future of the relationship.

Most of your anxiety comes from worrying about the future and the unknown, things out of your control. Practicing affirmations to accept the things you can not control, and centering your focus on the things you can help reduce this flurry of anxiety and fear.

First, take some time to think about what your senses are experiencing. Then use the slow and controlled breath to help you self-soothe.

Let’s take some action in understanding love languages to help improve the quality and satisfaction of your relationships.

Divide a paper into five columns, and title them with specific love languages. Spend some quiet time thinking about your relationships and how they are already demonstrating love for you in those styles. Write their names under coordinating columns. 

Keep it with you. When you feel your anxiousness starts to take control, or you start to worry about abandonment &/or betrayal. Look at your list and remind yourself that you are loved and cared for. 

Our attachment wounds are not easy to work with, but it is possible to heal and move towards a secure attachment mindset. It will take time to practice and establish direct communication and find unwavering-supportive relationships to help your healing process. But you can do it.

In the next blog, we are going to talk about how to cultivate healthy relationships.

If you are interested in discovering your own attachment style, having a list of actionable steps, specific growth activities, and even more questions to ask that help dig deeper into a sense of self and others, click here to purchase my Zine, Unveiling Attachment Traumas

What do you want to start working on? Sign up for a transformative Encounters Package here.