WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO CULTIVATE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS?

This is the third blog of my three-part series about relationship Attachment Theory and the trauma associated.

Building a Strong Foundation for Healthy Connections

In our previous discussions, we explored the importance of identifying attachment traumas and the initial steps to healing by addressing and working through our wounds. In this post, we’ll focus on creating a solid foundation of connection—an essential element for developing healthy attachments with both ourselves and others.

Understanding Culture: How We Do Things

Before we can build a foundation for healthy attachments, it’s crucial to first examine what’s already been cultivated in our relationships and personal dynamics. By doing this, we can assess how these patterns align (or don’t align) with the healthy connections we want to create. The goal here is not to label relationships as “right” or “wrong” but simply to observe where we are. From there, we can reflect on whether these existing patterns support our growth, and if not, how we can adjust and create new practices for fostering healthier connections.

11 (or so) Essential Culture Questions to Reflect On

These questions are designed to help uncover the underlying patterns that may be present in your relationships. They’ll help you determine whether your current dynamics are in alignment with your personal growth goals. It’s important to start by reflecting on yourself before involving others in this process—whether it’s your partner, household, friends, family, or colleagues.

As you go through these questions, I encourage you to approach them with honesty, patience, and self-compassion. The goal is to uncover the raw truth of where you stand so you can pinpoint the areas that need work. Avoid seeking “feel-good” answers, as they will only hinder your progress.

1. What do you truly value?

2. Where do you find your sense of worth?

3. What are your current love languages? (Remember, these can change over time and through life stages.)

4. What unmet desires or longings do you currently carry in your heart?

5. What boundaries have you set, and which ones are being respected? How do you respond when your boundaries are violated?

6. Do you feel safe and supported in expressing your needs and desires?

7. How does your environment react when someone is learning, making mistakes, or experiencing failure?

8. Is shame or blame present in your relationships? How frequently does this occur?

9. How is feedback given and received in your relationships?

10. How do you perceive vulnerability? How is it honored in your relationships?

11. How do you and those around you handle stress and anxiety?

12. What does self-care look like in your life?

Embracing Patience and Compassion

I want to remind you that this work is not about achieving instant results—it’s a process. It takes time to transform what has already been established in your relationships and patterns. Patience and self-forgiveness are key as you move through this journey. But once you’ve built a strong foundation of healthy connections, and developed the practice of evaluating alignment in your relationships, it will become easier and more natural over time.

Think In Three’s

I have found in my own life it helps to set my expectations in a timeframe of three; three days, three weeks, and three months. 

It will take about three days to assess and process the answers to the above Cultivating Questions. 

It will take about three weeks to sit with the discomfort of learning - making blunders & trying again, rebuilding, and aligning for what you want.

And it will take just about three months before you feel like you have gotten some good practice in and it starts to feel like an established habit.

Just remember, when you know better, do better. 

Because there will be mess-ups, but each time you do, you gain more knowledge on what works for you and you become more adroit at recognizing the way back to alignment. 

Actions During The Threes

During the process of the three, we can take actionable steps for healing with those relationships you have deemed trustworthy to grow with. Regardless of your attachment wound(s), all of these steps are key. 

Our brains process information through our senses about the world. We can heal our attachment trauma by giving it positive experiences that involve our sense of touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. Experiencing through the senses presents strong, new memories that start the process of overriding the in-grained traumatic ones. With enough repeated positive exposure to healthy cultures, the more adaptive information your brain can store. 

How liberating is it to know you can heal yourself?!

Establishing a new attachment is not a one-time activity. Emotional memories are stronger than visuals. Emotional memories impact us in various ways making it difficult to connect with others due to unseen barriers. A lot of our unseen barriers often come from our emotional memories of childhood.

The hopeful news that came from Michael Rutter & Thomas O’Connor’s research on deprived Romanian adoptees in 2004, is that we know it is possible to change maladaptive attachment styles and learn healthy attachment patterns in people. 

Charting A New Course

When planning activities to work on healing your attachments think about addressing these three categories (I think three might be my favorite number):

1. Skin to skin

2. Eye contact

3. Play 

These are true for all ages and all attachments looking for the intervention of old wounds and increasing a healthier attachment.

As an adult, we begin by spending a significant amount of time unlocking these barriers with ourselves first before we start to work with other relationships in our lives. We do this by using specific activities that engage the three categories listed above. 

During this unlocking time, you are getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. It is essential to keep a light-hearted attitude. Laugh and smile at any mistakes you are making. Laughing helps us release the illusion of control. Reciprocal laughter, when you are working with your relationships says “I am ok and you are ok”. This nourishes our heart’s desire to be blessed and affirmed for who we are.

There is a lot of relearning that comes when we release the old story and build a new one. Chaos is often the mark of new beginnings. Think about when a star is born in the cosmos, it is in a web of violence - and then light emerges from the depths of darkness to reveal what has been created. Learn to live in the swells of confusion and chaos; you are reknitting a life. Know that you are already enough, you are just expanding. 

If you are interested in discovering your own attachment style, having a list of actionable steps, specific growth activities, and even more questions to ask that help dig deeper into a sense of self and others, click here to purchase my Zine, Unveiling Attachment Patterns