WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO CULTIVATE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS?
This is the third blog of my three-part series about relationship Attachment Theory and the trauma associated.
We first spoke about identifying our attachment traumas. Then we talked about addressing and working with your wounds to start a healing process. In this blog, we are going to talk about creating a foundation of connection as an imperative for our development in healthy attachments with ourselves and others.
Culture Is The Way We Do Things
Before we can build a foundation for healthy attachments we need to investigate what is already being cultivated. Then we will look at how that is the same or different from what we want to have. In doing this we are not looking for the “right” or “wrong” in our relationships. We want to see what we have. Then look if that aligns with what we want. From there we can reflect on how to change it and develop a practice in doing that.
11(ish) Culture Questions To Ask
These questions are designed to break through the heart of what patterns are established. They will help reveal if you have aligned with where you are trying to expand your growth. It is always a good idea to start with yourself before you ask the collective (whoever is in your relationship culture that is committed to growing with you; partners, household, friends, family, work, etc.).
The best advice I can give you is, to be honest, patient, and forgiving in these evaluations. You want to see the blunt truth of where you are so that you know where you need to put in the work. “Feel good” answers will only hold you back in this endeavor.
What do you value?
Where do you find your worth?
What are your love languages right now? (these can change with the seasons of life)
What are the desires of your heart that currently feel unmet?
What boundaries do you have? Which ones are being respected? What happens when they are not respected?
Do you feel safe and supported to talk about your needs and desires?
What happens when someone is in the midst of learning, making mistakes, failing, and/or disappointing?
Is there shame &/or blame happening? How often & when?
How is feedback given? How is it received?
What is your perception of vulnerability?
How are stress and anxiety handled?
What does self-care look like for you?
I want to invite you to have solace in that things won’t be fixed overnight. It will take time to permeate through what has already been built. This is why I can’t stress enough the need for patience and forgiveness. But once you build up this healthy foundation, and the muscle of examining alignment, it will get easier and more natural to do.
Think In Three’s
I have found in my own life it helps to set my expectations in a timeframe of three; three days, three weeks, and three months.
It will take about three days to assess and process the answers to the above Cultivating Questions.
It will take about three weeks to sit with the discomfort of learning - making blunders & trying again, rebuilding, and aligning for what you want.
And it will take just about three months before you feel like you have gotten some good practice in and it starts to feel like an established habit.
Just remember, when you know better, do better.
Because there will be mess-ups, but each time you do, you gain more knowledge on what works for you and you become more adroit at recognizing the way back to alignment.
Actions During The Threes
During the process of the three, we can take actionable steps for healing with those relationships you have deemed trustworthy to grow with. Regardless of your attachment wound(s), all of these steps are key.
Our brains process information through our senses about the world. We can heal our attachment trauma by giving it positive experiences that involve our sense of touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. Experiencing through the senses presents strong, new memories that start the process of overriding the in-grained traumatic ones. With enough repeated positive exposure to healthy cultures, the more adaptive information your brain can store.
How liberating is it to know you can heal yourself?!
Establishing a new attachment is not a one-time activity. Emotional memories are stronger than visuals. Emotional memories impact us in various ways making it difficult to connect with others due to unseen barriers. A lot of our unseen barriers often come from our emotional memories of childhood.
The hopeful news that came from Michael Rutter & Thomas O’Connor’s research on deprived Romanian adoptees in 2004, is that we know it is possible to change maladaptive attachment styles and learn healthy attachment patterns in people.
Charting A New Course
When planning activities to work on healing your attachments think about addressing these three categories (I think three might be my favorite number):
Skin to skin
Eye contact
Play
These are true for all ages and all attachments looking for the intervention of old wounds and increasing a healthier attachment.
As an adult, we begin by spending a significant amount of time unlocking these barriers with ourselves first before we start to work with other relationships in our lives. We do this by using specific activities that engage the three categories listed above.
During this unlocking time, you are getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. It is essential to keep a light-hearted attitude. Laugh and smile at any mistakes you are making. Laughing helps us release the illusion of control. Reciprocal laughter, when you are working with your relationships says “I am ok and you are ok”. This nourishes our heart’s desire to be blessed and affirmed for who we are.
There is a lot of relearning that comes when we release the old story and build a new one. Chaos is often the mark of new beginnings. Think about when a star is born in the cosmos, it is in a web of violence - and then light emerges from the depths of darkness to reveal what has been created. Learn to live in the swells of confusion and chaos; you are reknitting a life. Know that you are already enough, you are just expanding.
If you are interested in discovering your own attachment style, having a list of actionable steps, specific growth activities, and even more questions to ask that help dig deeper into a sense of self and others, click here to purchase my Zine, Unveiling Attachment Traumas
Where in your life are you ready to start working? Book a transformative Encounters Package easily today by clicking here.
nicole bills
I am a Spiritual Life Guidance coach & Healer in Austin, TX for everyone on a journey to discover how to love all of themselves. I offer guidance to those seeking to heal, align & reconnect their mind, body, & energy.
https://www.nicolebills.com