CAN I CHANGE THE NARRATIVE IN MY HEAD?

I tell you that I iron my napkins. ‘Ok, psycho… I am gonna need more context.’ - you say. 

Like most women, I like having a clean house. And also like most, my house isn’t always that way. It gets messy like everyone else’s. Side note, I also want to have my life’s work be meaningful outside of a paycheck, I want to have time (and energy) to workout, take care of my family to the -nth degree so they will know that I am a safe harbor of love and always has time for them, appear in something flattering that isn’t three (or is it four?) days old “messy” bun and yoga pants, make time for girlfriends, have my husband find me utterly attractive both in mind, spirit, and body, fight injustice, be a great auntie, be a damn good dependable and loyal friend, be exciting, innovative, and a daredevil who mixes a cocktail that soothes your weary soul, walk my beast, awaken myself spiritually and mentally, and... iron my napkins.     

This week, while ironing my napkins (finally! - Liking to have something done and actually doing it are two very different things), I was feeling overwhelmed about how I am entering a transition in life. Over the next two years, I will be moving from a home/world/road schooling mom of two kiddos to having only adult children. These thoughts and feelings have led me to another transition in work, where I am moving from a teacher/Edu coach and short-term rental consultant to a Wayfinding coach for women. 

Everything is starting to move at a faster pace, I am gearing up to get ready to re-brand and create new content and the final dates I have set for myself are fast approaching, and I don’t feel any more ready than I did when I started this work transition 3-months ago. WTF! am I doing ironing napkins, preparing dinner, ordering groceries online, looking at my watch wondering about when to get a workout in - why my son is still asleep - geez! Is that my toe polish...what happened? Texting my friends, wondering if I have eaten lunch (or breakfast)?! I should be sitting at my desk day and night until this content is created!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

When from my laundry room I see my husband saunter down the stairs from his office to fix himself lunch. For a split-nano-second, I think, “oh, how easy I make a life for you. If only I could just do for myself and not worry about ironing these napkins WHICH WE ALL USE…” 

I stop at the irony. Ironed napkins…. Seriously? No one puts that expectation on me, but me. 

I release more of my frustration. The house is relatively straight, my husband could care less if it is spotless - he’d rather I made time to write and workout than if the house is by my definition clean. Truthfully, he’d help me with any task I ask him to AND he does his part to help around without my having to ask… didn’t he just run to the grocery last night and picked up dinner so I didn’t have to cook?

My son is still asleep because he worked out hard yesterday learning a new skill for climbing, and also because he is 16.5 in the middle of a COVID summer.

The pressure exists because I put it there. To further affirm, it will get done or it won’t. The world, myself included, won’t break down because something on my never-ending checklist didn’t get checked by the due date. I mean there will be consequences but none so life-shattering.

If I set the expectations on myself, I can reset them too. 

I wanted to iron the napkins, I actively chose to do that. The dust of my spiral begins to settle as I continue ironing. A new thought peeps into my head about how within the span of 5 napkins I listened to the “I am not enough” narrative screeching in my head, to pulling out of the death spiral and realizing, I. am. exactly. enough. 

How many of us do this daily?

Now, I am betwixt ironing/dusting, writing, and making bullet points for my next piece. It will all get done, or it won’t - I just need to actively choose what narrative I am listening to inside my head. One will either push me towards the brink of oblivion or feel inspired to live.  

Need help figuring out your narrative tracks? Send me a message and let’s connect.